unemployment applications
Matt, Sally, Ty, and Ruby have had to fill out their share of forms applying for unemployment benefits. Here are some recent ones that they and their friends have filled out.
Name: Ty Baker
Occupation: Screenwriter
Status: In a relationship
Are you currently looking for work? Work, no. A paid job where I can type my screenplay and make personal phone calls, yes.
Previous job: Office Clerk at a Law Firm
Reason for leaving previous job: I mistook the paper shredder for the fax machine and shredded over 150 original Deeds of Trust.
Worst job you’ve ever had: Selling erotic chia pets at Plant Parenthood.
Ideal job: Writer of an Oscar winning film and/or Emmy award winning TV show.
Name: Sally Campbell
Occupation: Classically trained actress from the Yale School of Drama
Status: In a relationship Single
Are you currently looking for work? Yes, nice work if I can get it (and I can get it, if I try)
Previous job: In charge of making sure people stood in an orderly line at Emo World
Reason for leaving previous job: People kept cutting
Worst job you’ve ever had: Camp counselor at Animal Fat Farm
Ideal job: Star of a hit TV show where I could drink bourbon and say things like, "Oh, Jack! You are a caution!"
Name: Curt Thompson
Occupation: (soon to be) Kindergarten Teacher
Status: In a long distance relationship
Are you currently unemployed: Yes
Previous job: Debbie’s Donut Hole
Reason for leaving previous job: The Department of Health found a family of mice living in Debbie’s Donut Hole.
Worst job you’ve ever had: Tour guide at The Museum of Thread Water Park
Ideal job: Easy Bake Oven Pastry Chef
Name: Ruby Webster
Occupation: Bibliophile
Status: On Hold
Are you currently unemployed: What gave it away--my Cheetos stained sweatshirt or that I can quote from any season of Golden Girls?
Previous job: Manager of a Major Book Chain
Reason for leaving previous job: Unceremoniously let go, because the Major Book Chain, who I was working for, was too chickenshit to run their own brick and mortar business!
Worst job you’ve ever had: Prince Albert Piercing Palace
Ideal job: Proprietor of Webster's Fictionary Book Store
Name: Matt Goodman
Occupation: Actor
Status: Recently Single ☹
Are you currently unemployed: Yes
Previous job: Singing reindeer in the Christmas musical The Merchant of Venison.
Reason for leaving previous job: I wanted to stay. I would go back if they would just take back the last thing they said to me. (“Matt, you’re fired!”)
Worst job you’ve ever had: as "Garbanzo, The Talking Mime"
Ideal job: Head waiter at Chateau Marmont
Name: Lenore Himmelbaum-Lipschitz-Webster
Occupation: Pre-occupied with living Life to the fullest
Status: >sigh< Married
Are you currently unemployed: Darling, I’ve never been employed
Previous job: Being married to the former Mr. Himmelbaum
Reason for leaving previous job: He was a lousy lover.
Worst job you’ve ever had: The former Mr. Lipschitz. We had too much in common (turns out we both liked men), so I left.
Ideal job: Being an inamorata to Ryan Reynolds, Matthew McConaughey, Jake Gyllenhaal
Name: Larraine Fumagalli-Bocchino (née Prosciutto)
Occupation: Beauty Technician
Status: Just Married
Are you currently unemployed: I'm between jobs
Previous job: Bobby Jordano’s House of Hair
Reason for leaving previous job: Bobby Jordano
Worst job you’ve ever had: Waxing back hair (see above)
Ideal job: Designing makeup for babies